Batman is by far DC Comics biggest cash-cow, making his way into popular culture in a way that most other companies can only dream of their characters doing. With more movies, toys, clothing, shoes, and other branded items than you can shake a batarang at there are no two ways about it, Batman is a huge money maker. I had a few drinks recently and went on a bit of a rant about how I think Batman is a bit shit. But even without the gin I still think that Batman has a few issues, the biggest one being that Batman is what can only be described as a Mary Sue, he's just a little bit too perfect. Can you imagine if someone pitched you a story idea where the main character has more fighting skill than a group of highly trained assassins, is so mentally strong that he can resist mind altering drugs and hypnosis, smart enough to invent space age technology, the peak of physical fitness, famous, handsome and oh by the way he's a billionaire You'd probably tell them that character's can't be god.
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| Apparently they totally can |
Being such a moneymaker Batman seems to find his way into A LOT of DC's projects. Even things that he, an un-super powered human, has no real business being involved in. You can't blame DC for putting their biggest money maker in smaller projects because, lets face it, more money means more projects and Batman practically prints money. And before anyone gets all upset about me knocking Batman just remember he's not real.
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| Even the awful Batman products make an obscene amount of money |
#5 He's an expert at being an expert
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. When you crunch the numbers, its 20 hours a week for 50 weeks for 10 years, so about 3 hours a day, everyday for 10 years. Batman didn't start down his dark and brooding path until he was 8, and lets be generous and say that Bruce Wayne is 38. So we've got 30 years to become and expert in hand to had combat, various martial arts, long distance running, parkour, gymnastics, forensic science, criminal psychology, armed combat, first aid, stealth and electronics just to name a few. With just the few of Batman's skills I've named we are already up to over 30 hours a day. Sorry Batman fans but the math just doesn't work.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. When you crunch the numbers, its 20 hours a week for 50 weeks for 10 years, so about 3 hours a day, everyday for 10 years. Batman didn't start down his dark and brooding path until he was 8, and lets be generous and say that Bruce Wayne is 38. So we've got 30 years to become and expert in hand to had combat, various martial arts, long distance running, parkour, gymnastics, forensic science, criminal psychology, armed combat, first aid, stealth and electronics just to name a few. With just the few of Batman's skills I've named we are already up to over 30 hours a day. Sorry Batman fans but the math just doesn't work.
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| Here we see Batman the computer expert |
#4 Mind over matter
You don't just get to will yourself to not be affected by hallucinogens and psychotropic drugs! Thats not how drugs work Batman!
You don't just get to will yourself to not be affected by hallucinogens and psychotropic drugs! Thats not how drugs work Batman!
#3 Dark Justice mascot
Dark Justice is a great film from DC that involves some of its more minor but still awesome characters including Swamp Thing, Zatana, Constantine, Etrigan, Deadman and *sigh* Batman. The real question is why is Batman even in this movie? He scoffs at the idea that hundreds of crimes across the globe where the perpetrators describe seeing the same horrifying demons could possibly be related or caused by magic. Firstly Batman knows so many people in the Justice League that use magic, so why he dismisses magic as the cause? Secondly Batman doesn't really do much, the majority of the work is done by Zatana and Constantine. Batman is clearly completely unqualified to deal with magic but somehow he ends up involved. I feel like the only reason that Batman was involved is because Deadman had a fanboy moment.
#2 The Man With A Plan
Batman has a contingency plan for everything. Alien invasion? Got a plan for that. Superman goes rogue? Got a plan for that too. Natural disaster? Know what to do. Robot apocalypse? Got it covered. Batman and Bruce Wayne need to be in the same place at the same time? Not even an issue. Shark attack? Don't make him laugh. Sudden magic attack? Don't stress, its organized. Keep the Joker in jail? HOW THE F*%K DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO THAT?!?!?! Batman has an emergency plan for everything that you could possibly imagine and yet he can't come up with a plan to keep the Joker in jail for longer than 15 minutes. On a side note if a friend of mine was keeping a secret plan to destroy me I'd be pretty mad.
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| Batman: I'm completely useless here |
#2 The Man With A Plan
Batman has a contingency plan for everything. Alien invasion? Got a plan for that. Superman goes rogue? Got a plan for that too. Natural disaster? Know what to do. Robot apocalypse? Got it covered. Batman and Bruce Wayne need to be in the same place at the same time? Not even an issue. Shark attack? Don't make him laugh. Sudden magic attack? Don't stress, its organized. Keep the Joker in jail? HOW THE F*%K DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO THAT?!?!?! Batman has an emergency plan for everything that you could possibly imagine and yet he can't come up with a plan to keep the Joker in jail for longer than 15 minutes. On a side note if a friend of mine was keeping a secret plan to destroy me I'd be pretty mad.
#1 Fighting Superman
And then Superman blasts Batman's head off with his laser eyes from space. The end.
Bonus Point
You remember that guy in high school that took himself so seriously that it went full circle and became a little bit funny? That's probably how the rest of the Justice League feels about Batman.
And then Superman blasts Batman's head off with his laser eyes from space. The end.
Bonus Point
You remember that guy in high school that took himself so seriously that it went full circle and became a little bit funny? That's probably how the rest of the Justice League feels about Batman.
